The Infamous Nina Nightshade
Burlesque Performer, Producer, and Instructor
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How does the flawed character develop?

12/21/2019

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Let's talk about pedestals.
 
They are beautiful. They elevate a beautiful thing to a higher level so it may be appreciated. They call attention to a thing and say “Look at this thing. It is important. It is beautiful. It is a shining example of perfection.” Pedestals are also precarious, and the thing balanced on top must ensure it keeps that perfection or it will topple down. The scariest thing about pedestals? It is how much delight people take in knocking the thing off.
 
More specifically let’s talk about the pedestals we place our idols, heroes, celebrities and mentors on. We love to read about (or watch) a flawed character in a fictional tale. We cling to Alice’s blind curiosity which sends her on a bumbling escapade through Wonderland where she gets into situations which are unsafe and questionable. We accept that the Doctor was the hand that killed two alien races and countless others, but he feels really bad and usually gives them a chance to choose the right side, so we empathize. Sherlock Holmes is an absolute arse to everyone including his friends and yet we find him charming in his sociopathic idiosyncrasies. (I’m right there with you on all these counts.) We enjoy a flawed character. They get to stay on their pedestal despite weaknesses. Unless they are a real person. Then we must not only ensure that person no longer stands on their pedestal, we must burn down anything tied to them.
 
This idea has been mulling around my brain in light of the recent disappointing news that JK Rowling most probably is a TERF (trans exclusionary radical feminist). *if you don’t find this news disappointing, I think we can agree to very strongly disagree* I am extremely saddened and frustrated by this news. I am understanding of the people who are hurt deeply by this. Fans who built so much of their lives around the world she created only to find out they do not fit her mold. I used to have a very high opinion of Rowling that is greatly diminished with disappointment. I want to make it clear I am not okay with Rowling’s standing as a TERF.
 
Rowling was on an extremely high pedestal held up by literally millions of fans and hundreds of deeds. She is learning how precariously balanced on that pedestal she was. I don’t presume to know if she cares, but we do. On either side of the issue, we care very much. I fully support discussions about this issue, but the ire in response to this very real issue has culminated to accusations beyond the issue.
 
I read one post that said “It’s not like she cares sitting on top of the pile of money.” Now we are lashing out and being petty about it. One, she earned that money. She worked her ass off for that money. Two, Rowling was the first millionaire to lose their millionaire status due to philanthropy. She has literally been paying it forward on her success. This act of charity does not excuse her being a TERF, but nor does being a TERF diminish the massive amount of charity she contributed back.
 
I have also read many comments telling people to stop reading her books, stop watching the movies, stop using words like patronous and houses to describe ourselves. A huge group of fans are left worried that if they still love the Potterverse, they are betraying their trans friends and family or themselves. Here’s the thing, I believe the Potterverse is bigger than Rowling. It no longer belongs to her alone. It belongs to all of us. The movies. The fan fiction. Hogwarts houses. The theme parks. Even Harry Potter himself. They belong to all of us; the fans, the actors who brought them to life, the authors, the artists.
 
Yes, I am saddened to discover that Rowling is a TERF. I am angry with her. But I am also saddened by the absolute glee with which many of us have brought her down. I will turn my back on Rowling and no longer be a fan that holds up her pedestal, but I will not be the one to take joy in her diminishment.
 
No one is perfect and we must many times answer for those imperfections. Rowling deserves the anger from her trans and trans-supportive fans. As the saying goes “Karma is only a bitch if you are” or something like that…
 
Here’s what I’m struggling with the most in situations like Rowling’s. Like the characters we love so much, real people are flawed. How do people move past those flaws? If Rowling truly came to a place where she decided that being a TERF was wrong, how does she make amends with those she hurt? If your answer is “she can’t”, you may be a part of the problem. How do we come together and learn to understand and respect one another if we don’t have the ability to get past our anger and hurt? How does the flawed character develop?
 
My “full” stage name is “Infamous Nina Nightshade” (no, there is not a “the” in front, it is a title like “Duchess”). I’ve been asked on occasion, why not “Famous”? It’s simple really, Infamous implies flaws. Infamous means I can not only be a shining example, it means I can be a terrible warning. Infamous means I can be both. Infamous means I cannot be placed on a pedestal only to be gleefully knocked off. Infamous is a form of protection that with either help me weather the storm or buffer my landing should I fall. I may still be bruised afterward and need to do some mending, but I won’t be broken.
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The "B" Word

12/3/2019

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Let’s talk about a personal and professional choice regarding the “B” word.

When going through the exhausting experience of job hunting that ultimately resulted in my current place of work, I made a very specific choice on my resume. I very purposefully chose to have the “B” word right there for everyone to see. No, not that one… I’m talking about “Burlesque”.

In searching for a new place to spend a majority of my hours each week, it was important to me that I not need to keep my “other life” hidden. I only wanted to work somewhere that was accepting of my life choices and one way to ensure that was to include that “taboo” word in the very document that summed up who I was in one page.

It is possible that, of the many organizations I applied to, I was never given the opportunity to interview because of that choice. Some would argue that I limited my choices. To that I say: Yep, I did and it helped me to narrow down my search to only the organizations where I would never have to worry about being “found out”. I have watched many friends and acquaintances within the burlesque community who have actively worked to keep their performance lives a secret, who have been shunned by co-workers who discovered their secret and, in some severe cases, people who have lost their jobs over it. I refused to live with that kind of fear. I found a job that accepted me as a whole package. A job that has become that thing that up until now had eluded me: a career.

Everyone has to make their own choices. I don’t judge those who live their burlesque lives in secret. It just isn’t for me. It truly never crossed my mind to try. That is, until last week…

As most of you who bother to read this blog already know, I have decided to take on even more in my already overly busy life and pursue a masters degree in higher education administration. I am two classes in (with a 4.0 thus far, if you’ll excuse the boast) and loving this journey. I have discovered that I enjoy scholarly writing as much as I enjoy spouting my opinions in blog form. 

Side note: I truly wish I could share some of my writing with all of you. I think I have come up with some pretty decent scholarly writing that would be of interest to my readers. But the new-to-me concept of “self-plagiarism” holds me back.

In my most recent course the instructor asked us to talk about our career goals and why we are pursuing our degrees. My answer was simple: I see a serious lack of gender diversity in academic leadership (or leadership in general, really) and I saw an opportunity to “become the change I want to see in the world”. (Nope, not gonna APA cite that quote.) By becoming a leader myself I can not only add to the ranks of “gender oppressed”* representation in leadership, I would also be in a position of power to pull up other women, transgender and non-binary humans as well. I have strong opinions about why I’m in school, clearly. However, I stumbled a little when I was then asked to pinpoint a specific title I was looking to attain. What specific job title was lofty enough of a goal, but leaned on my strengths? I finally settled on Chief-of-Staff. (Because President requires a PhD and I’m not sure I’m up for that kind of commitment to schoolwork.)

While thinking about this level of leadership and influence an errant thought came looming into my head like a black cloud and broke with a rainstorm of questions: Can I hold a position of that much power and influence while still performing on the burlesque stage? Would I become the next scandal in higher education if I did? Were my career goals going to force me to decide between moving up the ladder and moving on the stage? Can I be a leader in academia when I am also tassle twirling while doing the charleston?

My first answer is an obstinate “I do what I want!” My second answer is “Who am I kidding? Of course, I can’t!” My third answer is “That all depends on who you are working for. Look at where you are now.”

I currently hold a director-level position at a small university. I also continue to perform. While I don’t advertise my performer side at work, it isn’t a secret. In fact, many at the university know all about my “other life” and some have even come to a show or two. It wasn’t taboo when I started and it isn’t taboo now. 

I know it is unlikely I will spend my entire career in higher education at the same university, so I will have to make choices in the future. I can’t change my past on the burlesque stage, but I may decide an opportunity is worth changing my future there. My current plan is to keep working my through this career journey and choosing to cross bridges when they come. 

I don’t know what the future will hold, but for now, I will keep using the “B” word. I will use it without shame and without apology.

*Note on the term “Gender Oppressed”: This is a term I recently learned from Dean Spade in a talk they made to the community of Barnard College. I appreciate this inclusive and simple term and have chosen to adopt it into my vocabulary.
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    Nina Nightshade's Random Thoughts

    Random writings regarding the Art process, the emotional roller coasters of being an Artist, character development and anything else that comes to my mind.

    If you are here to judge punctuation, spelling or run-on sentences.... perhaps this blog isn't for you. If you are here to read thoughts from the heart, sometimes flawed, sometimes at odds with themselves, then enjoy!

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